Surrender?

I’ve got a confession to make.

I am terrified.

Terrified that I will get really excited for another “first” marathon and end up having it cancelled on me again.

Terrified that I will get to mile 21, 22, 23 and not be able to physically finish because of my messed up last 1.5 months of “training.”

Terrified that I will hurt myself and not be able to even START the Maritime Marathon on June 24th.

Terrified that I will not be properly fueled because I am not eating as well as I should be because my mind is still convinced there is no “need” since I will not be finishing and all.

Terrified that I will have to feel that heart crushing feeling of defeat again.

I’m not sure how, but I am sure that Marathons can break your heart.  You put everything you have into them expecting a good outcome but sometimes you don’t get your expected outcome.  Sometimes you get thrown a curve ball and are left not knowing what to do to make things better.  I don’t know the answer and I don’t know if I made the best decision by attempting this marathon 5 weeks after a failed one.  But I have made the decision.  I owe it to myself to try and try my very hardest.

I REALLY want to be excited for my attempt 2.0 at becoming a marathoner.  It’s something I have wanted for YEARS and never thought I was capable of.  And here I am after 7(?!) months of training that seemed to be going well until the last month or so when my doubts and fears started to take over still not knowing what’s going to happen.  I cannot let these doubts and fears undermine my training.  I’ve done 2 x 20 mile runs and 4-5 18 mile runs.  I should be as physically ready as I can be and yet my doubts are making me wonder every day what in the world I am thinking!

I have learned one really big lesson this past month though.  It might seem overly dramatic to have such an epiphany from a stinking marathon cancellation but I’ve realized if things don’t turn out how you expect them to the first time around, that does not mean they will not turn out in the end…someday.  There is an old cliche that says “Everything works out in the end.  If it hasn’t worked out yet, then it’s not the end.”  This is true for running and this is true for life.

I guess 5/20 was not the end of my quest to become a marathoner and 6/24 might not be either but someday, when I do actually CROSS the finish line of a marathon and earn a medal, I know it will all make sense then.  Now I just have to keep my mind from getting too discouraged to try, try, try again.

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